Many of you have been following our rather emotional roller coaster ride as my youngest son and his wife have been trying to adopt baby Izze – I want to share our very own little miracle that happened yesterday….


In the middle of fighting to adopt baby Izze, Jonathon and Sarah have also been providing care on again/off again for Sarah’s nephew (that is another story altogether, but needs to be at least mentioned here to understand how this all came about).  They have had physical custody of this little boy for over a week and he was needing medical attention – they did not have any legal authorization to make medical decisions for him however, and were unable to contact either parent to get it (long story).  On Tuesday night they contacted DCFS for help so that they could seek medical attention on his behalf.  To get that process going, Sarah was told to go to the court and file some paperwork that DCFS would require to get that moving.


A whole series of events on Wednesday morning prevented Sarah from getting down to the court until mid-afternoon (she had planned to go early in the morning).  While she is in the courthouse filling out the form, she hears the birth mother crying and yelling into her phone – wondering how it is possible that the birth mother is at the court AND knowing she has custody of Izze, she sticks her head around the corner to see if it really is the birth mother – IT IS!  With her heart racing, she grabs the first person that is headed down that hall and explains that she is the adoptive mother of baby Izze and that she has just seen the court remove her from the birth mom.  Sarah then states that she was there on another matter, and had no intention of showing up, nor did she know. She ask, if they would kindly take her to a back room out of sight of the birthmom.  They take her back to a room and within seconds the assistant attorney general, that had been in the courtroom on Monday when custody was awarded to the birth mom, is running down the hall in her heels and pencil skirt to talk to Sarah (this picture makes me smile so big).  A very few minutes later Sarah is holding Izze and is being told that temporary placement has been awarded to us!  


Coincidence that Sarah was in the courthouse at that very moment?!  I think NOT!  


One of the most touching, amazing things to me was Izze’s reaction at coming home.  She came in and studied her surroundings for what seemed like a long time – looking carefully at our home – then suddenly began talking, laughing, smiling – it was as if she too, realized that she had truly come home and was shouting her relief and excitement to us all!  She has always been a happy baby, but the joy that bubbled from her for hours following her return was one of the most touching things I have ever witnessed.  I loved the way she was looking deep into our eyes and smiling with a light and brightness I had not seen before.  I am sure that she was not shown any love and not given much, if any, attention in the 48 hours she was gone from our home.  We prayed fervently for her safety the entire time she was gone.  Her safety was my gravest concern!


So how did this change of events come about?!  The birth mother and her attorney filed, less than 48 hours after being awarded custody – you know, so she could have the opportunity to be a mother – because she had such an amazing bond with Izze – to terminate her parental rights and adopt her to some “friends”.  NOT Jonathon and Sarah – whom she contacted while still pregnant to adopt her baby, but these very close friends.  Really?!  Where were these “close friends” 6 months ago – or 5 months ago when baby Izze was born?!  I am POSITIVE that there is something “dirty” going on there – we may never really know the real story of what the heck that is all about.  In the meantime, there is a “shelter hearing” on November 30th – this will address whether or not the birth mother can change custody to the “good friends”.  On December 5th we will go to court to see if we can terminate the birth mother’s parental rights.  Seems like a no-brainer, but the system has failed us thus far in what seems to be a pretty clear cut case of right and wrong.  We are praying that God will  soften the hearts of the judge, the attorney general and those from DCFS that have influence in Izze’s life.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Izze belongs in our home.  From her reaction to being reunited with us yesterday, I am sure that there is no doubt in her mind where she belongs and who loves her.  I am sure that God is watching over her and protecting her.  I think it is clear that the birth mother has only her own personal interests in mind, that she does not care one bit about Izze or what is in her best interest.  I am grateful that the birth mother’s true colors have been displayed and that it did not take long for her character (or lack thereof) to manifest itself.  I pray that Izze will be able to be placed  permanently in our home SOON and that we can finally get off the roller coaster (they really never have been my favorite ride) that we have been on for the last 6 months.  


There are not words to express our gratitude to all of you for your prayers and the love and support that has been extended to our family during the tumultuous time.  So grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who loves his children and blesses them.  We know that He lives.  We love Izze with our hearts and souls and want more than anything to see her be an eternal part of our family.  May you too, know the power of prayer – may you see miracles in your own lives – and thanks so much for being part of our miracle.  We know it is through the collective power of so many prayers that the Lord has allowed us this miracle.  We pray it will not be short-lived.  We love Him and we love you!  

I have always said that sometimes the Lord takes us all the way to the edge before he rescues us – this is the first time in my life I felt I had gone completely over the edge and was free falling – thank you God for letting us learn to fly!  Even if just for today – thank you for another 24 hours with our Izze.  My heart overflows with love and joy for her and for You!

Writing feels therapeutic right now, so here are my thoughts today……


I keep thinking back to when my children were young and they got an “owie”.  I could scoop them up on my lap, wash their cut, put on just the right sized bandaid, and hug their hurt away.  I would give anything to go back to that time when I was enough to set the wrongs right.  I am watching my son hurt in a deep, profound way and feel totally inadequate to heal the hurt.  My lap is not big enough, my hugs insufficient, and there is not a bandaid in the world big enough to take away the pain.  I am a “fixer” – a righter of wrongs – and I am NOT enough.  


I have always had a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but have always thought that the atonement was for our sins – that it would make up the difference when we are trying our best and still fall short.  NOW I am thinking there is much more to the atonement than that.  I think Jesus Christ makes up the difference when we are inadequate in any area of our lives.  When I cannot possibly love enough, when I cannot take the hurtful words back, when I fail to live up to my potential.  Christ IS enough and more!  We are counseled in the scriptures to “always have a prayer in our hearts” – I think I know what that means and how to do it now! I am on my belly – more humble than I have ever felt in my life – and I know I canNOT get up without Him.  I pray he will hold my son on His adequate lap, hold him in His large arms, and put on the bandaid that is sufficient to take away the sting.  That He will grant Jonathon and Sarah peace.  That doesn’t mean everything is necessarily made right, but that we have the hope required and the desire to get up after all.  To carry on.  To look to God for solace.  My heart is broken too and I don’t know how to succor my own boy.  There is still evidence of God’s love for us everywhere.  Hugs, kind words, notes from our neighbors, bowls of hot soup, encouragement from strangers – may Jonathon be able to know to what source those blessings flow…..


I see God everywhere I look right now and feel so grateful.  I will NOT pretend that it does not takes major effort to get up each morning, to carry on each day.  I will NOT lie and say that it is easy or that I understand the “why” in all of this.  I do not.  BUT, I do trust He has not left us alone in our struggle to simply breathe.  I know He loves us.  I know He is mindful of how we feel, of how deep the hurt, how great the loss.  And I know that He alone has the power to make us feel whole again.  For those of you who have extended your hands and hearts to us, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  We need your strength while we are weak.  We will be doing a special fast for baby Izze’s safety  and would be honored if any of you would like to join us this Sunday.  So thankful for a strong, loving extended family.  For the love of friends and neighbors.  For the unending prayers.  We.  Are. Grate. Ful.  


“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain.  But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”  Thanks Jechelle for sharing that with me.  I love you!

I am not a writer and I don’t know if it is possible to put down on paper my feelings, but I must try…


My heart has fractured into a million pieces.  Baby Izze was placed in the birth mother’s custody today following a court hearing.  Last Thursday, that same judge ruled that to place the baby in the birth mother’s home would put her in immediate danger.  I’m not sure how the judge did a complete 180 in 4 days, but here we are without her after 5 months of loving her….


Our system is as broken as our hearts are.  I don’t understand how a mother’s parental rights are not terminated with the long list of charges she has stacked against her.  I am fearful for Izze’s life and there is nothing I can do about it.  I feel powerless…


I can’t understand how anyone could use my kids as pawns to get their child past DCFS (they would have taken her since she had heroin in her system at the time of her birth) and out of the hospital and then say, “Just kidding – you can’t really adopt her – I want her.”  Who does that?  The degree of selfishness this demonstrates is of proportions my heart and head cannot comprehend.  Love is selflessness – something I do not believe the birth mother is capable of.  


I am surprisingly not angry – I am stunned and hurt, but feel sorry for the birth mom and her lifestyle.  I ache that she does not seem to know any better.  


There is a court date set for December 5th to address termination of parental rights, but I have lost faith in the legal system and do not hold much hope that justice will be done.  Parental rights seem to trump the very safety of the baby.  It is disheartening to me to see that.  It is 4 a.m. and I haven’t slept since I went to bed at 11:30…..


I see Izze’s beautiful face, hear her “talking” to me, feel her fingers ripping my mouth nearly off as she plays – I see her face as she was taken from my son and his wife – so serious, so confused by the emotions of those who love her.  It will haunt me forever….  I will miss her happy chatter every morning…


I know that Izze was placed in my children’s lives during her first critical months as she detoxed from the drugs her mother inflicted upon her body while still in the womb.  It was amazing to watch the tenderness, patience and love that were so willingly given to her while her body went through withdrawals.  I believe in my heart that my daughter-in-law and son provided something she would otherwise not have been given.  I am grateful for the opportunity to watch them provide that kind of love to Izze.  None of us will never be the same.


I know that God is aware of my children, of baby Izze, and of our family.  I know time will heal all things.  I know He has a plan for all of us.  I know in time we will understand the “why”.  I know that peace will come to us all.  I know in the end things will somehow be made right.  I pray in the meantime that our hearts will heal enough to carry on.  That the hole will close enough to allow us to love like that again.  I wonder if I will ever stop worrying about how she is doing….  


I feel so grateful for good friends and family who have loved Izze and us and whose prayers have sustained us.  We love you and have felt your strength.  Thank you…..