adoptedbabyfamilyIzzeOn A Personal Note November 16, 2011


Writing feels therapeutic right now, so here are my thoughts today……

I keep thinking back to when my children were young and they got an “owie”.  I could scoop them up on my lap, wash their cut, put on just the right sized bandaid, and hug their hurt away.  I would give anything to go back to that time when I was enough to set the wrongs right.  I am watching my son hurt in a deep, profound way and feel totally inadequate to heal the hurt.  My lap is not big enough, my hugs insufficient, and there is not a bandaid in the world big enough to take away the pain.  I am a “fixer” – a righter of wrongs – and I am NOT enough.  

I have always had a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but have always thought that the atonement was for our sins – that it would make up the difference when we are trying our best and still fall short.  NOW I am thinking there is much more to the atonement than that.  I think Jesus Christ makes up the difference when we are inadequate in any area of our lives.  When I cannot possibly love enough, when I cannot take the hurtful words back, when I fail to live up to my potential.  Christ IS enough and more!  We are counseled in the scriptures to “always have a prayer in our hearts” – I think I know what that means and how to do it now! I am on my belly – more humble than I have ever felt in my life – and I know I canNOT get up without Him.  I pray he will hold my son on His adequate lap, hold him in His large arms, and put on the bandaid that is sufficient to take away the sting.  That He will grant Jonathon and Sarah peace.  That doesn’t mean everything is necessarily made right, but that we have the hope required and the desire to get up after all.  To carry on.  To look to God for solace.  My heart is broken too and I don’t know how to succor my own boy.  There is still evidence of God’s love for us everywhere.  Hugs, kind words, notes from our neighbors, bowls of hot soup, encouragement from strangers – may Jonathon be able to know to what source those blessings flow…..

I see God everywhere I look right now and feel so grateful.  I will NOT pretend that it does not takes major effort to get up each morning, to carry on each day.  I will NOT lie and say that it is easy or that I understand the “why” in all of this.  I do not.  BUT, I do trust He has not left us alone in our struggle to simply breathe.  I know He loves us.  I know He is mindful of how we feel, of how deep the hurt, how great the loss.  And I know that He alone has the power to make us feel whole again.  For those of you who have extended your hands and hearts to us, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  We need your strength while we are weak.  We will be doing a special fast for baby Izze’s safety  and would be honored if any of you would like to join us this Sunday.  So thankful for a strong, loving extended family.  For the love of friends and neighbors.  For the unending prayers.  We.  Are. Grate. Ful.  

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain.  But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”  Thanks Jechelle for sharing that with me.  I love you!