adoptedbabyfamilyIzzeOn A Personal Note November 15, 2011

Baby Izze Update 5

I am not a writer and I don’t know if it is possible to put down on paper my feelings, but I must try…

My heart has fractured into a million pieces.  Baby Izze was placed in the birth mother’s custody today following a court hearing.  Last Thursday, that same judge ruled that to place the baby in the birth mother’s home would put her in immediate danger.  I’m not sure how the judge did a complete 180 in 4 days, but here we are without her after 5 months of loving her….

Our system is as broken as our hearts are.  I don’t understand how a mother’s parental rights are not terminated with the long list of charges she has stacked against her.  I am fearful for Izze’s life and there is nothing I can do about it.  I feel powerless…

I can’t understand how anyone could use my kids as pawns to get their child past DCFS (they would have taken her since she had heroin in her system at the time of her birth) and out of the hospital and then say, “Just kidding – you can’t really adopt her – I want her.”  Who does that?  The degree of selfishness this demonstrates is of proportions my heart and head cannot comprehend.  Love is selflessness – something I do not believe the birth mother is capable of.  

I am surprisingly not angry – I am stunned and hurt, but feel sorry for the birth mom and her lifestyle.  I ache that she does not seem to know any better.  

There is a court date set for December 5th to address termination of parental rights, but I have lost faith in the legal system and do not hold much hope that justice will be done.  Parental rights seem to trump the very safety of the baby.  It is disheartening to me to see that.  It is 4 a.m. and I haven’t slept since I went to bed at 11:30…..

I see Izze’s beautiful face, hear her “talking” to me, feel her fingers ripping my mouth nearly off as she plays – I see her face as she was taken from my son and his wife – so serious, so confused by the emotions of those who love her.  It will haunt me forever….  I will miss her happy chatter every morning…

I know that Izze was placed in my children’s lives during her first critical months as she detoxed from the drugs her mother inflicted upon her body while still in the womb.  It was amazing to watch the tenderness, patience and love that were so willingly given to her while her body went through withdrawals.  I believe in my heart that my daughter-in-law and son provided something she would otherwise not have been given.  I am grateful for the opportunity to watch them provide that kind of love to Izze.  None of us will never be the same.

I know that God is aware of my children, of baby Izze, and of our family.  I know time will heal all things.  I know He has a plan for all of us.  I know in time we will understand the “why”.  I know that peace will come to us all.  I know in the end things will somehow be made right.  I pray in the meantime that our hearts will heal enough to carry on.  That the hole will close enough to allow us to love like that again.  I wonder if I will ever stop worrying about how she is doing….  

I feel so grateful for good friends and family who have loved Izze and us and whose prayers have sustained us.  We love you and have felt your strength.  Thank you…..