So I am super bummed that things were so chaotic and we did not get any “family pics” while we were all at the temple.  Also, if the expression of my religious beliefs is not of interest to you – just look at pics and avoid the text…  It is NOT my intention to shove my religion down your throat, but I cannot write about this without going there….

Izze, mom Sarah and our sealer Pres Leetham

So I have avoided blogging about Izze’s sealing because I really don’t know what to say – or how to say it – at all.  Izze became part of our forever family “OFFICIALLY” on July 25th, 2012.  If you are LDS you know exactly what that means and I don’t need to say anything further.  However, since many of you are NOT LDS (Mormon or Latter-Day Saints as we are commonly referred to), let me try to explain the significance of that day.  

Izze and mom

This was an amazing day for us – to see all of our immediate family in the temple together, along with extended family and friends – was wonderful all by itself.  To understand the significance of why we were there was even more amazing!

Sarah, Izze, and Aunt Ashley

 I can’t even begin to describe how awesome it is to not have to worry any more about someone taking Izze from us.  Even if something happened in this life – and we were separated for a time – we would be able to look forward to seeing her again in the next life.  There is something truly wonderful about Heavenly Father’s plan for us.

Izze

Just seeing this beautiful face tells me that every moment of sacrifice to add her to our family was worth it.

In front of the Draper temple

I am so grateful that I understand why we are here.  That I get an occasional glimpse of eternity and all the wonderful blessings that await us.  I am overwhelmed by the love that I feel from my own family – my 3 boys and their families – it is awesome to see the family cycle continue.  I have been super blessed with an amazing husband of over 31 years and could not imagine an eternity without him!  Thankful to a God who is so aware of his “children” and the struggles and trials that they experience.  Grateful that He loves me enough to give me experiences that allow me to grow.  I am hopeful that I am doing more good and that my heart is in the right place.  AND really hopeful that at the end of my life I will not be found “wanting”….

In December, after being “paralyzed” for four months (and not working) I knew something had to give.  Legal fees were mounting (we hit $45K in December) and I was feeling completely overwhelmed.  David and I had been debt-free (except for our home) for many years and the amount of debt we had accumulated over the past few months was immense and with no end in sight.  I was commenting to a ‘friend’ about how scared I was of going into that kind of debt-at what point did I say I had done enough?-and expressed how confused I was by the whole situation.  The only thing I knew for sure, was that the first time I saw Izze I knew she belonged in our family.  But THIS was madness to be sure!  She lectured me for half an hour – told me I was lacking faith and that God would provide an answer if I would just exercise faith.  She told me when we started the adoption process I should have known that this was possible (how could anyone KNOW?) and that it was my own decisions that had put us in this awful situation.  By the time she finished ranting and left my house I was sobbing.  I had been praying the entire time and felt I had been exercising my faith, but also believe that God expects us to use wisdom in all our decisions and was seriously questioning whether or not I had done that.  $45k and growing by the minute, did not feel like the smartest thing I had ever done.  On the other hand, if it was the right thing to do, how could I put a price on Izze’s life?  I knew exactly what kind of life she would have if we quit fighting for her!  I prayed non-stop for days – and then, without sharing too much- as this was an extremely spiritual and personal experience – I got my answer.  The Lord let me know without question, that He had this!  I was to “stay the course” and in due time, we would have our answer.  I cannot express how personally freeing this was for me.  I went back to work with full heart and literally laid my burden at the Lord’s feet.  I did not know how, or when, BUT I knew He would take care of it for me.  I obviously had NO control over any aspect of the situation.  I could not control the attorneys, the birth mom, DCFS, the judge, OR the Lord’s timing….  BUT I did trust Him to keep his word.  


Lesson from this experience – judge not!  Unless you have walked in someone else’s shoes and had the very same experiences to draw from (which BTW, is NEVER), you do not have the insight to judge another.  Each man/woman’s life is their own.  Each of us will have those experiences that will refine us personally and help us to grow.  We are all blessed with gifts and talents that define us.  It is our experiences, combined with these gifts and talents that shape the way we respond to any given situation.  Dieterf Uchtdorf stated, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you do.”  I don’t know that I would call my response to my difficult situation a “sin”, but I do feel I was being judged harshly because I did not respond the way my ‘friend’ would have.  I think I have learned – the hard way – that we are all doing the best that we can and that we do not have the right to judge another.  We all come from a different place (different up-bringing, different experiences, different beliefs about life, different ideas even of right and wrong) and no one but our Father-in-Heaven and his son, Jesus Christ, truly understand our hearts and our true motives and desires.  NOT judging another is much easier said than done, but I pray that I will never cause another to feel the way I did after my “friend’s” critique of me.  Each experience is a teacher if we will allow ourselves to learn from them and each experience will make us stronger and better prepared for the next one.  I hope I have these lessons firmly etched in my memory forever.

Loving on my girl one more time

Don’t love this one, but it shows me on the saddest day of my life – still can’t look at this and not  cry all over again!

Sarah’s mom and I saying good-bye in the parking lot

Sarah’s mom and brother Alex and I as the reality of having to let Izze go sinks in.  I felt I was dying just a bit inside…..  As if my heart was being ripped from my chest…..

Our experience of adopting our sweet Izze has been a major refinement for me.  I have had to learn to trust the Lord AND his timing (clearly the harder of the two).  I have learned that we should not try to see too far into the distance, but learn to trust Him and learn all that we can from the here and now.  I have learned that we ARE capable of so much more than we think we are.  I cannot tell you how many times I approached the Lord and told Him I was absolutely at the end of my rope – I could do no more – and yet the answer did not come and in the morning I was still hanging on.  He knows us, He strengthens us, and proves as He knocks off the rough edges, that we ARE capable of enduring much more than we think we can.  I think when I get to the other side of the veil, I will find that I was being carried more times than not during our fight for Izze.  How grateful I am.  


In November I was tending Izze while Jonathon and Sarah went to a court hearing.  In less than an hour, just as I was putting Izze down for a nap, I received a phone call from Jonathon.  He was hysterical and telling me I had to bring Izze to the courthouse immediately.  She had been awarded to the birth mom and we had to release her right now.  I was in total disbelief.  The birth mother is a drug addict (Izze was born addicted to drugs as the birth mom used heroin until 6 weeks prior to her delivery), and a prostitute with a rather lengthy criminal history – including child endangerment charges.  I was trying to remain calm, but was feeling rather hysterical myself.  HOW could this be happening?  Where was God now?  I feared for Izze’s very life.  She still had many symptoms of an addicted baby and was easily agitated and not easily soothed.  I was so afraid that she would get upset and the birth mom would lose patience and hurt her.  I changed her and loaded her into the car – making a quick stop in the parking lot of a grocery store so Sarah’s mom could say good-bye too.  I cannot even describe the agony that I was feeling.  I pulled into the courthouse parking lot a short time later and watched, helpless, as my daughter-in-law and son said good-bye to Izze.  The pain and sobbing was almost more than I could handle.  I did not think we would see her again.  We all watched, sobbing, as our attorney took her to the birth mom and she was gone.  


That night was a very long, difficult one.  I could not soothe my children – how can anyone heal a broken heart?  I was beside myself with grief – it felt worse than if she had died – at least I would have known where she was and that she was safe.  Our bishop came up that night and gave Jon and Sarah a priesthood blessing (we are LDS) – we were way too close to the situation to be able to know the Lord’s will for them.  The blessings were beautiful and the spirit of the Lord was very strong.  I cried for the next two days non-stop.  


And then, the first of many miracles occurred.  Sarah had been taking care of her brother’s baby (a few months younger than Izze) for several weeks and she was required to go to the courthouse and complete some paperwork on his behalf.  While she was at the courthouse filling out the forms, she suddenly heard the birth mom crying and talking (yelling) on her cell phone.  And she is saying, “they took my baby…..”  Sarah realizes she needs to get out of there but cannot leave without going down the same hall where the birth mother is crying.  She grabs the first “worker” that comes down her hall, explains the situation, and is ushered into a room.  As she waits, the Assistant Attorney General comes into the room and tells her that Izze has just been placed in state custody and that they will be placing her back in our home!  Within seconds Sarah has Izze in her arms.  She calls me and asks me how fast I can get her a car-seat and come to the courthouse – I am confused – and then she is telling me she is holding Izze right now!  There was much rejoicing!!!!!


“Doubt not, fear not.”  – this is the lesson here.  God is mindful of us.  He knows our situation, and He will bless us when He is able.  I do not claim to understand His ways, but I cannot deny seeing His finger in our lives over and over again – in small things and in big things.  Things DO work out.  Sometimes it just feels like eternity will arrive before the answers come.  

Saying good-bye to our sweet Izze