Doubt Not, Fear Not

Loving on my girl one more time

Don’t love this one, but it shows me on the saddest day of my life – still can’t look at this and not  cry all over again!

Sarah’s mom and I saying good-bye in the parking lot

Sarah’s mom and brother Alex and I as the reality of having to let Izze go sinks in.  I felt I was dying just a bit inside…..  As if my heart was being ripped from my chest…..

Our experience of adopting our sweet Izze has been a major refinement for me.  I have had to learn to trust the Lord AND his timing (clearly the harder of the two).  I have learned that we should not try to see too far into the distance, but learn to trust Him and learn all that we can from the here and now.  I have learned that we ARE capable of so much more than we think we are.  I cannot tell you how many times I approached the Lord and told Him I was absolutely at the end of my rope – I could do no more – and yet the answer did not come and in the morning I was still hanging on.  He knows us, He strengthens us, and proves as He knocks off the rough edges, that we ARE capable of enduring much more than we think we can.  I think when I get to the other side of the veil, I will find that I was being carried more times than not during our fight for Izze.  How grateful I am.  


In November I was tending Izze while Jonathon and Sarah went to a court hearing.  In less than an hour, just as I was putting Izze down for a nap, I received a phone call from Jonathon.  He was hysterical and telling me I had to bring Izze to the courthouse immediately.  She had been awarded to the birth mom and we had to release her right now.  I was in total disbelief.  The birth mother is a drug addict (Izze was born addicted to drugs as the birth mom used heroin until 6 weeks prior to her delivery), and a prostitute with a rather lengthy criminal history – including child endangerment charges.  I was trying to remain calm, but was feeling rather hysterical myself.  HOW could this be happening?  Where was God now?  I feared for Izze’s very life.  She still had many symptoms of an addicted baby and was easily agitated and not easily soothed.  I was so afraid that she would get upset and the birth mom would lose patience and hurt her.  I changed her and loaded her into the car – making a quick stop in the parking lot of a grocery store so Sarah’s mom could say good-bye too.  I cannot even describe the agony that I was feeling.  I pulled into the courthouse parking lot a short time later and watched, helpless, as my daughter-in-law and son said good-bye to Izze.  The pain and sobbing was almost more than I could handle.  I did not think we would see her again.  We all watched, sobbing, as our attorney took her to the birth mom and she was gone.  


That night was a very long, difficult one.  I could not soothe my children – how can anyone heal a broken heart?  I was beside myself with grief – it felt worse than if she had died – at least I would have known where she was and that she was safe.  Our bishop came up that night and gave Jon and Sarah a priesthood blessing (we are LDS) – we were way too close to the situation to be able to know the Lord’s will for them.  The blessings were beautiful and the spirit of the Lord was very strong.  I cried for the next two days non-stop.  


And then, the first of many miracles occurred.  Sarah had been taking care of her brother’s baby (a few months younger than Izze) for several weeks and she was required to go to the courthouse and complete some paperwork on his behalf.  While she was at the courthouse filling out the forms, she suddenly heard the birth mom crying and talking (yelling) on her cell phone.  And she is saying, “they took my baby…..”  Sarah realizes she needs to get out of there but cannot leave without going down the same hall where the birth mother is crying.  She grabs the first “worker” that comes down her hall, explains the situation, and is ushered into a room.  As she waits, the Assistant Attorney General comes into the room and tells her that Izze has just been placed in state custody and that they will be placing her back in our home!  Within seconds Sarah has Izze in her arms.  She calls me and asks me how fast I can get her a car-seat and come to the courthouse – I am confused – and then she is telling me she is holding Izze right now!  There was much rejoicing!!!!!


“Doubt not, fear not.”  – this is the lesson here.  God is mindful of us.  He knows our situation, and He will bless us when He is able.  I do not claim to understand His ways, but I cannot deny seeing His finger in our lives over and over again – in small things and in big things.  Things DO work out.  Sometimes it just feels like eternity will arrive before the answers come.  

Saying good-bye to our sweet Izze